Oh, Jealousy

I recently read a blog post by a friend who attended her first wedding since her own marriage. She talked about how nice it was to sit back and soak in the day without frantically trying to "take notes" and steal ideas for her own wedding day. She said it was a great experience to be able to relax and truly enjoy the evening.

I was struck by her outlook. I hope that this is my ongoing experience, but frankly, I'm prepared for some mixed emotions. It's not pretty, but I'm aware that I may feel pangs of a little thing called JEALOUSY. Jealous of a perfectly executed detail I wished I'd incorporated. Jealous of a font I hadn't discovered. Jealous of an adorable favor. Jealous of a song that conveys a feeling more perfectly than one I used. Jealous of some amazing trend that simply didn't exist in 2010.

And it's not just the after thoughts or the small things. Brides are bound to experience jealousy at all phases of their planning process. It's one of those things you have to accept. Someone will always have a more forgiving budget, a more sparkly ring, more thoughtful details, a better tasting cake, or just bigger, better, more something...

From a clinical standpoint, it is hard not to compare. We do it all the time. It's natural. When we don't understand something we explain it through comparison and metaphor. "Well, it's kind of like this..." But when we do it to ourselves, it gets into more difficult emotional territory. We make value judgments, we tear ourselves and others down, we second guess our choices, and we ultimately do nothing positive.

I genuinely look forward to attending weddings after my own. And I hope that I will enjoy them without the knee-jerk reaction to hold my wedding as a means of comparison. Do you share my fear? Moreover, isn't there an immense amount of pressure on brides these days?

The Meaning of Manning

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This is where my family began.

My parents met at Brown University and were married at Manning Chapel 35 years ago. When Mr. Seashell and I began talking about marriage I honestly didn't have a vision of where we would exchange our vows. But when Mama Seashell said, "What do you think about getting married about Manning?" I was immediately in love with the idea.

Getting married at Manning Chapel not only feels special because it is the place where my parents were married, but it feels like inheriting a legacy. To walk literally where my parents walked years before feels beautifully symbolic. I have been fortunate enough to have a strong and loving marriage modeled to me throughout my development. To stand in the very place where that marriage was born - and create my own - feels like a gift.

There will be guests present who witnessed my parents exchange vows in the very same place. They may sit in the very same seats. Thirty five years will have passed, but the sentiment is the same. They witnessed the beginning of a new family.

This is where my family began. This is where my family will begin again.

Does your ceremony site have a special meaning?

{Here's a photo of me inside the chapel circa 1985}

THIRY

My life recently became a wedding movie cliche.

You know the scene where the bride is stuffing the very last invitation into the very last envelope and notices a word is spelled wrong? Or the time is incorrect? Or the date is mistaken? She freaks out and calls her invitation designer in a desperate panic begging for a reprint. My story isn't quite that dramatic, but our wedding invitations had a major set back last week. At 11:23pm Saturday night I received this email from our invitation designer as she was assembling the invites:

Hi Miss Seashell,

I am sorry to report this news to you, but I was just looking over the invitation and there is a spelling error that was apparently overlooked. The "thirty" in one-thirty is spelled wrong. And now, well now, we will have to reprint. I have to discuss this with my printer first thing Monday morning if I can get on his schedule. I am really at a loss for words at the moment. 


Oh goodness.

See it? Darn you, letter T, darn you. You ruined what would otherwise be some seriously gorgeous invitations.

Fortunately, the "thiry" has been reprinted as "thirty". The invitations have been assembled. And sent. I'm not privy to what happened behind the scenes but I've heard rumors of begging and late nights. Phew. That was a close one.

Have you had a wedding "near miss"?

What's next?

Relationships often change us. They challenge us, and encourage us to grow. We learn more about ourselves; we learn more about how we react in relation to someone else that we have welcomed into our world.

Similarly, wedding planning changes us. It brings out some good, some bad and can expose some unknown strengths and weaknesses. It reinforces self-awareness. Statements like, "I am a girly girl." "I work well under deadlines." "I have no artistic talent." or "I have a hard time delegating" become ever more true.

Sometimes, though, we also manage to surprise ourselves. We expand our horizons. We discover that we are capable of things we didn't expect. Or we are open to things we didn't anticipate.

What does this mean for me? It means that I not only entered a big box crafting store, but I now own this:

This weekend I became a real-deal crafter. In what ways has wedding planning changed you?

Sign Please! (But Not on Our Faces)

While I was Packing for Providence I mentioned I hadn't shown you our guest book. Want to take a peek?

Soon after we received our engagement photos, our photographer asked us to select our 25 favorite pictures. Mr. Seashell and I each made a separate list. Many of our faves were the same or similar, but we had to do some cross-comparisons and make some cuts to ultimately come up with our final 25. It was a much harder process than it should have been! It probably doesn't help that we can both be pretty stubborn.

A lot of the more difficult decisions came down to "but my hair is funny in that one!", or "but your smile is creepy there!" Oh, vanity. 

How'd we do? Are you using a photo guest book?

Oh, dah'ling you're far too busty!

I bought my wedding dress. Ages ago, actually. I've actually had it in hand (well, stored safely at the bridal shop) since late 2009. She may not even need any alterations. She's pretty damn perfect. With one exception.

There's been a trend of designers adding colorful sashes to their dresses. One of the most notable ones was this:

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Mine came with a colorful sash too. Except it is a thick, dark HUNTER GREEN. Whaaaaaaa? I know. And it's sewn on.

Not the end of the world, as it could certainly be replaced. But with what? I hit the internet. I found this and purchased it right away. So pretty.

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Now, I haven't shown you my dress yet, so the next part you're just going to have to visualize. Soon after receiving the sash in the mail I was in Providence. Mama Seashell and I made a trip to the bridal shop and excitedly held the sash up to my dress to see if I'd found the perfect solution. I kind of wrinkled my nose, tilted my head to the side and said, "Well, I'm not so sure..." Mama Seashell did something similar. Then the dress shop owner hurried over and blurted out in her thick British accent, "Oh, dah'ling, you're far too busty! The poof and fluff of that sash with your bust! Oh! It's just FAR, FAR too much! It simply won't work!"

How's that for brutal honesty? Frankly, she was totally right. It was not working. Lucky for me, the shop owner knows a thing or two about wedding dresses and sewing and has offered to make me a custom non-pouffy (and non-hunter green!) sash. Now, I just need to decide what it is that I want...

Did you and your wedding dress designer have diverging taste? What edits did you make to your dress?

P.S. This sash is for sale! Interested?

Pretty, Pretty Paper: Don't Fail Me Now!

Perhaps I haven't made my love of paper clear enough. I've only mentioned it here, and here, then I died when I discovered this place. If there's such a thing as "paper fever" I definitely have a case. I simply can't pass up a cute little paper boutique. One of my all time faves is Urbanic Paper Boutique in Venice, CA. Check it out if you're in the area.

So, when I received two boxes of beautiful lace cut-out paper from Mama Seashell for Christmas, I immediately requested more. "This would be just perfect for bridal shower thank-you cards!" I gasped. She was thrilled I loved it so much and was sure she could track down some more. I now have 100 cards and envelopes. I love the sweet, elegant, bridal feel of these!

Five days post-shower and I've been thank-you-noting away!

And how could you not adore those return address labels? Oh, paper products, you're just the sweetest. Those pretties were a Christmas gift from Bridesmaid Leah. They're by Pica Press ordered through Urbanic Paper Boutique (as mentioned above). I've also had to throw a few pieces of personalized stationary in the mix. I have to use them up before the big name change in just a mere 99 days!

But, I digress. This post wasn't even supposed to be about thank you notes entirely. While I was home for my bridal shower I got a sneak peek of our completed wedding invitations. I'm having mixed emotions. Here goes...

Below is a photo of the paper being used for our wedding invitations. Ignore the patterned piece to the far left. That got nixed. Also, the "ecru micah" is a much richer ivory than the photo conveys.

If you don't recall, the Seashell wedding invitations are heavily inspired by this:

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As I've gone back and fourth with the designer, the proofs are simply gorgeous. They perfectly convey the look and feel I've been hoping to achieve. The invitations themselves are being printed on the ivory paper, and then mounted on the "antique gold". Then, they will be set within the "majestic" purple pocketfold. I initially wasn't into the idea of a pocketfold, but Mama Seashell made a strong case for them as so many of our guests would be traveling. Similarly, she shared that she has really appreciated having a place to tuck all of the information cards from an organizational standpoint. I'll be honest: my main drawback with a pocketfold would be how it would look when framed as a keepsake. Obviously it could be cut down by a framer, so that was just me being somewhat ridiculous.

On Saturday while I was getting ready for my bridal shower, Mama Seashell ran over to pick up one of the complete invitations. I was so excited to see it - to see all those .pdf files and paper samples come to life! All the elements were there...but something was missing. We agreed the invitation itself was beautiful, but the purple was just so...so...LOUD. Loud, intense, Barney the dinosaur purple. It was not this rich, elegant, regal, "majestic" we'd envisioned.

Mama Seashell went to visit the designer yesterday and shared our thoughts. Then I called her from work when I was in between clients. She shared our sentiment. Luckily, she hadn't begun assembly yet. We've got a Plan B in motion, and new pocketfolds on their way! If I had anything in hand I'd share pics with you, but until I do keep your fingers crossed for me, hive. This paper-lover is praying that paper doesn't fail her now!

Have you ever had to speak up in your wedding planning process? How did it turn out?

The Merging of "Something Old" and "Something New"

When Mr. Seashell and I were newly engaged my Dad's sister passed along her mantilla veil for me to incorporate into our wedding in any way I wished. I knew I wouldn't be wearing it, as I was planning on wearing Mama Seashell's veil from her wedding day.

The lace was just gorgeous, though. It had to go somewhere.

...and on my head definitely wasn't the right option

I should send this photo in with my yia-yia application. Ha!

So, I'd mentioned this a while back, but we're using the lace of the veil on our ring pillow.

{The ring pillow which I found here on Etsy}

My FMIL offered to cut the veil and sew it on the pillow. She said taking scissors to the veil was killer, but it was all in the spirit of making something old new again. The result? A new family heirloom keepsake!

I adore it! And I love even more that it has meaning. Did you incorporate any heirlooms in a unique way? Do share!

First Born, Middle, Last Born, Only...Match!

One of the things I love most about my job is that I get to spend a lot of time pondering about relationships during the day and can genuinely write it off as "work" or "research" for my clients. One of my favorite areas of study is that of attraction - what draws people together, statistically what characteristics work and why, and how we determine predictors of marital success. I am particularly fascinated by birth order. (It's kind of like astrology but oh-so-slightly more scientific.)

Your birth order falls into one of four categories: first born, middle, last born or only. (And, if you're one of 5 children then your family has 3 "middles".) According to Popular Science here are some birth order characteristics:

• First Borns: Natural Leader, High Achiever, Organized, On-time, Responsible, Energetic, Logical, Ambitious, Enterprising, Scholarly
• Middle Children: Flexible, Easy-Going, Social, Diplomatic, Rebellious, Attention-seeking, Competitive, Peacemaker, Independent
• Last Born: Risk takers, Outgoing, Creative, Idealist, Good sense of humor, Immature, Secretive, Sensitive, Carefree
• Only Children: Mature, Dependable, Get along well with older people, Responsible, Leader, Perfectionist, High Expectations, Unforgiving. Only children tend to be a special breed in that they can share the common personality traits of any of the above 3 main birth orders. However, they are generally more aligned with the traits of the first born.

So what does this mean for your relationship?
 

Dr. Kevin Leman wrote the book, "The Birth Order Connection". Here's how he conceptualizes compatibility by birth order combinations:
 
Only child and youngest; first-born and youngest; middle child and youngest: Gender plays a role here, but for the absolute best match, pair the female only child or first-born female with a male youngest child who has older sisters.

First-born married to a first-born: If you take a look at the personality traits described above, it stands to reason that this pairing has potential for high friction. Typically both partners are head-strong, domineering, and like to be in control. A pro is that first-borns are exceptional nurturers.

First-born married to a middle child: The middle child is a superb negotiator and can thus be a good partner for almost anyone. However, the first born can be domineering and may be somewhat intimidating to the middle child. However, if the middle child has last born tendencies in his/her personality, the pairing can be a good one.

First-born married to the last-born: This relationship is an excellent combination because the two can learn from each other. The first-born can teach the last-born how to be better organized and more responsible. On the other hand, the last-born can teach the first-born to loosen up and enjoy life a little more.

Middle child married to a middle child: This pairing can go either way. If one of the middle-born partners has first-born tendencies and one has last-born tendencies, this can be a good love match. However, if both have the characteristic secretive qualities, communication can be an issue. Interestingly, this match has the least chance of marital infidelity.

Middle child married to last born: This pairing will necessitate the middle child having some of the first-born tendencies in order to be successful, and will be even better if this individual is a female. If both share the characteristic behaviors of the last born, there could be trouble in paradise, most notably the tendency to be irresponsible.

Last born married to a last born: This pairing might be a little too fun. In the long run life could become out of control without having at least one individual prone to taking charge.

For combinations not listed above, here's a quiz that also takes gender into account. It lists Mr. Seashell and I as an ideal match. Random quiz, I thank you.

Of course, family circumstance and life changes and challenges as well as individual traits effect our personality most. I consider birth order a kind of fun additional way to conceptualize the characteristics each partner brings to a relationship. What do you think of this? Where do you and your partner fit? Are you two middles? A first and last born? An only and a youngest?

Showered I was...:The Main Event

As I started to tell you yesterday, hive, my bridal shower was just spectacular. I feel like I could say what most brides say about their wedding day - "It went by too quickly! I'm not sure if I spoke to everybody! It was just such a whirlwind of people, and food, and fun!" And it couldn't be more true.

A little back story on the shoe theme (notice the center piece is a shoebox?). I'm a definitely shoe lover, and absolutely own far too many pairs. However, my shoe love goes waaaaay back. When I was a kid and went shoe shopping I got a choice: I could either wear my new shoes home, or I could keep them in the box so they'd be nice and clean so I could wear them to bed that night. I'm not saying I was normal. Something about that new shoe smell made me endlessly happy. Apparently falling asleep to that new shoe smell was nirvana. Now I'm the therapist. Go figure. Anyway, back to the shower.

{3 Generations of Seashells: Grandma, MOH Julia, Mama Seashell, Me}

{Bridesmaid Leah who came all the way from LA!}

 { Bridesmaid Leah, MOH Julia, Me, Bridesmaid Carrie}

I simply couldn't ask for more! The shower was hosted by my Aunt Brenda and Aunt Janice as well as MOH Julia (which means with lots of help from Mama Seashell). I could not be more thankful for the time and effort that went into making this day so beautiful and memorable. The love and generosity of all of the women who attended was just exceptional. A bride-to-be couldn't be luckier!

P.S. The cake was a "Zuppa Inglese". 10 points if you know what that is!