"Best Advice for Newlyweds from a Marriage Counselor"

I came across this article today and although I can take no credit for it whatsoever, I think these tips for newlyweds are fantastic.

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Communicate with one another. 

“Talk, talk, talk,” says Eagan. Communication about everything from small things such as how you spent your day to big things such as how to spend your money is vital to a healthy marriage. It helps you get to know each other better, resolve issues, and stay connected to your spouse. 

Break your routine. 

Don’t get caught up in routines. That means you should avoid taking each other for granted by having date nights and taking romantic vacations when you can. Avoid just going to and from work and never focusing on each other or your relationship. When you are just going through the motions, you will feel less satisfied and less content. And that will rub off on your spouse, too. Marriage, after all, is a delicate balance between two people. 

Wait to have children.

 If you can, wait to have children. Putting off getting pregnant to give you and your spouse time to build a foundation for a family. Build your marriage so that it will be sturdy enough to support the weight of the family you’d like to create. That means getting closer, resolving serious issues, and finding your rhythm as a couple. 

Save some money.

 Avoid collecting debt. Money troubles put unnecessary stress on a marriage; in fact, it’s one of the major causes of arguments among married people. You can throw a nice wedding, make a home for the two of you, and live without breaking the bank as long as you don’t spend more than you have. You should also try to keep an eye to the future by always having something in savings. Your wallet and your relationship will pay the price if you don’t watch your pennies. 

Look good for each other. 

Keep up with hygiene and get dressed up every once in a while. “Don’t get sloppy in your relationship,” says Eagen. “Keep it special.” When you start paying less attention to your appearance, you send the message to your spouse that you just don’t care and you’re not really interested in maintaining the attraction between the two of you. You should be sending the signal that you’re still hot for your spouse – and you want to keep it that way! 

Get a life.

Hang onto your friends and family. Just because you’re married does not mean you should abandon everyone and everything that existed in your life before the wedding. You still need social outlets to re-energize yourself for your spouse. “Don’t expect your partner to be your everything,” warns Eagan.

Have good sex.

Sex is a vital part of the marriage relationship. You should make sure your sex life is satisfying for both of you. If there are physical problems affecting your performance, you should see a doctor and discuss the situation with him or her and your spouse.

Be ready for the after-the-wedding blues.

Realize you may experience post-nuptial depression, which refers to the state of depressed mood that newlyweds experience within the first three to six months of marriage. There’s a lot down after all the excitement of the wedding festivities and honeymoon are over. Although brides are more apt to talk about it than grooms, both pairs probably feel this to some extent. Eagan suggests refraining from talking about the wedding all the time and going out and doing things together. Understand that it takes time to re-orient your life and keep in mind that this is just the start of your great new life together.

Do you feel prepared for these? Which will be the most challenging to execute?

Dressing the Sis

My lovely sister is oh-so-fun to dress. It's even more fun to get her to pose for photos. (Sarcasm, sarcasm). So when it came time to take her bridesmaid dress shopping, I can't blame Mama Seashell for somewhat dreading the process. Fortunately, it sounds like the day wasn't all too horrible.

To ease the impending misery, I pulled several dresses at the bridal shop when I was home over Christmas. I made sure the dresses I pulled came in the Dessy Pantone "Smashing", which was assigned to my sister as well as one other bridesmaid. I'd initially hoped to put them in Lela Rose dresses, but no one seemed to like them. Sad day for me. I thought they were adorable. (That's what you get for letting your girls pick their own dresses.)

Dress One. This is the exact color my sister will be wearing, and was my first choice pick when I pulled dresses. Since she's pretty slim and boy cut, I liked the layers and flower to give her shape a little extra "oomph".

Dress Two. Supposedly in person it looked great. The bust line is definitely more flattering than dress one.

Dress Three. I think is pretty fun, but not quite the look we're going for.

Dress Four. Apparently the joke of the day. I don't think it's hideous, but it doesn't say "fall wedding".

Dress Five. The color is definitely throwing me off, because as is it screams "first communion". In the purple it could be a contender.

So which one won out? Make a guess! Which one do you like best?

The 4th Registry

So I admitted I was slightly crazy in opening a third registry simply for the love of purple LeCreuset. Although it was technically our fourth registry. But really our third. But technically our fourth...

Here's the story. Mr. Seashell initially had very few requests when it came to our registries. When we made the decision to register one of the first things he said was, "Can we get matching monogrammed bathrobes?" My thought: Super cute. Let's hit Restoration Hardware. My second thought: Huh. The robes may be our only item at Restoration Hardware because I just bought a bunch of their towels when we bought our condo, and as much as I adore bedding I refuse to put it on a registry. (Something about, "Hey! Go consummate your marriage on these lovely sheets from Aunt Hilda!" gives me the heebie jeebies. Sorry friends, can't do it.)

So we opened the registry with our two matching monogrammed bathrobes as the only items. I got a rush of that girly excitement typing in my new married "aVr" monogram. And wouldn't you know it? Just weeks later my aunt and uncle bought the robes for us as an engagement gift!

We love them so much they have their own hooks installed in our Master Bedroom. It may be overkill, but we really do love them.

In fact, we wear them every Sunday morning while we cook breakfast together. It's almost ridiculous how obnoxiously cute they are. Or how cute they make us feel.

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And that is the tale of our fourth registry. It was only briefly open, soon closed, but our love affair with our bathrobes will long endure. Do you have a registry item that you've come to loooooove?

I've come a long way (with passport stamps to prove it)

Once upon a time I was uber annoyed that my passport was due to expire in April 2010, and our wedding was a mere 5 months later (read: I'm changing my name, so I'd need an entirely new one AGAIN). My thought: like, seriously? These things expire once every ten years and within 5 months of renewal I'd have to file the paperwork and pay undisclosed amounts of money repeatedly. Ugh. Timing really is everything.

After whining about this to Mr. Seashell, he made a few suggestions:
1. Let's get legally married now, crazypants. Since love to get things done, he thought this would appeal to me for many reasons. I could have all my paper work completed, get a shiny new license, update my passport, etc. I considered this briefly, but my romantic side won out. "Then the formal wedding will just be a show. It won't have meaning! I want our wedding day to be our wedding day."
2. Let your passport expire and renew it with your married name. Tempting, but no. First, I've heard that it's much easier to renew a passport than it is to reapply for one. Second, we're leaving for our honeymoon (abroad) the day after our wedding and I won't be able to travel with an expired passport. Have fun alone, honey!
3. Renew your damn passport. Ugh, fine.

(Check me out - 10 years makes a BIG difference.)

And guess what? If you change your name within one year of a renewal there is no fee! So, technically the fact that my passport expired so close to my wedding is actually a GOOD thing. After all my complaining, I'm slightly embarassed to report that things have worked entirely in my favor. Who'd have thought?

Did you have any unexpected surprises? Inconveniences that were actually convenient?

I'm like a greedy child who ate too many cookies

When people ask me how wedding planning is going I've started to reply, "I'm like a greedy child who ate too many cookies".

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Meaning? Well, let's just say I'm a planner. That's not even the right word. I just like to get things done. I love checking things off a "to do" list. I've got my baby names narrowed down and I had our wedding date circled in red ink after we'd only been dating a few months. I started decorating our condo before we had our closing, and I write down what I wear in my planner so I don't repeat outfits too often. And, fine, I'll get real: I'd booked our venue AND photographer before we were engaged. Yep, I just admitted that. (OMG.)

So, I feel like a greedy child who ate a plate of cookies because with 5 months to go my wedding feels planned. Done. Literally, completely, entirely planned. Complete. I ate ALL the cookies. My organizational fun is over. Any detail that is left is too far off to complete. While most brides are feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and would love to coast for a while, I'm feeling the complete opposite. Am I crazy? Is anyone else craving more work? Has your bridal energy exceeded your "to do" list?

Gifting the Guests

In an effort to incorporate elements of our family and heritage into our wedding, we are opting to gift our guests with small bottles of olive oil. A few years back, my Mom's cousin began importing olive oil from family vineyards in Oliveto Citra, Italy and began a label called Dell'Orto Oil. We had the idea to get sample sizes bottles and attach escort cards for the guests to retrieve upon entering our reception.

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The favors will be placed on a table directly opposite the main entrance. In the photo below, the light is coming from the entry doors, and the table has a flower arrangement on it with a mirror hanging behind.

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In addition to the bottles of olive oil (with escort cards attached) being placed on the table, we came up with the perfect way to incorporate family photos!

During our meeting with our florist, Sayles Livingston, we came up with the idea of creating a "tree" instead of displaying a floral arrangement at the entry table. Attached to the tree branches, I am going to frame and hang photos from the wedding days of my parents, grandparents, as well as those of my fiancee's family.

I also adore the symbolism! There's something about the "family tree" + olive oil from family vineyards + an olive tree effect = super duper cool. Seriously, my drawing stinks. This is going to be awesome!

How are you incorporating elements of your heritage?

A Sweet Surprise

After another Saturday at the hospital, Mr. Seashell and I had plans to enjoy the evening over a yummy dinner and drinks at Primebar. We were partially celebrating my new job (woo hoo!) and partially taking the time to do something special together amidst the craziness that has been our lives lately.

After nibbling on course after course of amazing food, and chatting the night away, Mr. Seashell took a moment to lean close to me, and pulled out a little black box. He popped it open and said, "I was just wondering...will you still marry me?" and presented me with my reset engagement ring!

How cute is he? I had planned to pick up the ring sometime next week! Supposedly, he contacted the jeweler and had my FFIL pick it up on the way to the hospital on Saturday. Knowing that we had a special night planned Saturday, he thought it would be the perfect surprise. Supposedly they exchanged the ring when I went to the bathroom at some point.

Not only am I completely thrilled with the resetting, but I'm amazingly touched by Mr. Seashell being so thoughtful. In spite of things being less than perfect right now, it's reassuring to know that we remain strong as a couple. Have you and your fiance surprised each other with anything recently?

This is (supposed to be) the happiest time of our lives

I'm feeling cheated. Majorly. What is supposed to be one of the most happy and blissful times of our lives is simply not. Instead of going out to dinner with friends, or daydreaming about our honeymoon, we're miles apart sitting in hospital rooms with our mothers. We have reason to believe everything is on the up and up, but right now life is downright miserable.

Happy & Healthy just a few months ago!

MOH Julia, Me, Mama Seashell, FMIL Justine
October 2009

Just over a year ago Mr. Seashell's mother was diagnosed with liver cancer. At the time of diagnosis her tumors were immediately surgically removed and she was cancer free. Her diagnosis and surgery were a whirlwind and shock, but she recovered amazingly and was back on her feet in just a few weeks. Doctors warned that liver cancer is very aggressive, and although they had removed all her tumors, the odds of it returning were almost definite. And indeed, in early December 2009 we got word that her cancer had returned. My FMIL remained optimistic, began chemo, and prepared herself for a fight.

Unfortunately, the cancer created an "unhealthy liver" and she recently developed a bacterial infection. Mistaking feeling under the weather as a side effect from chemo, my FMIL had an infection that went untreated for potentially 6 weeks, at which point it traveled to her blood. Eventually she felt poorly enough to seek medical treatment, and has now been in the hospital for 4 weeks.

Meanwhile, Mama Seashell got news that a tumor had been discovered on her pancreas in December 2009 (the day before we learned my FMIL's cancer had returned). After weeks of ongoing tests, we had reason to believe that my mom's tumor was pre-cancerous, but still worth removing. Unfortunately, we wouldn't have  a definite answer until pathology reports were run post-surgery.

I flew home for my mom's surgery, while Mr. Seashell spent his days working on his laptop from his mom's hospital room. My mom's surgery went incredibly well, and it does appear that her tumor was benign. Mr. Seashell's mother still remains in the hospital and we have spent the last 3 weekends visiting her, in addition to countless nights after work.

Mr.Seashell and I have been blessed with exceptional mothers. They are kind of women who are the heart and soul of a family, and deserve nothing more than joy and happiness during our wedding preparations. I feel frustrated and saddened not only for Mr. Seashell and I as a couple, but for our families as a whole. This should be a time that we're all celebrating. Instead, we're living in hospital rooms and dealing with doctors and scared for the future. Seriously, I want a refund - this was not the engagement any of us bargained for.

Has reality bitten you as well? How are you coping?

Inspiration Board Shortcut (Yes!)

oh-my-geeeee. After my first attempt at an inspiration board, I was not feeling so inspired. Mainly, the process wasn't as easy as I'd hoped. I couldn't get the pictures to easily fit together so it took forever (and I was probably being too specific about the photos I was using).

Enter Picasa. I've used Picasa forever, but just discovered a little feature called "collage". Whaaaa? How had I missed this? Check this out!

1. Create a folder containing the photos you want to collage.
2. Click the button I drew an arrow toward. It will say "create photo collage"

3. Voila! Collage created. Now tweak it.

4. Shuffle the pics around to get them "just right".
5. Save.

I only have two words: easy peasy. I can NOT believe I spent two hours messing with photoshop to make my first one! So, now that I've shared my massively easy trick I feel like a cheater showing you my latest inspiration boards since they took all of 5 seconds to make. But, alas, they are awfully pretty.

Dancing Couple, Place Cards, Sparkler, Leaves
Pearl Chandelier
Tree, Chair Sash, Candy Jars, More Candy Jars

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Chandelier Wedding, Chandelier Graphic, Photos on Tree, Purple Bouquets

Portico, Olive Oil

Bridesmaids, Sign, Candy, Scroll, Arch

What's your favorite shortcut? Did you know about Picasa's collage feature WAY before me?

Invitations, Flowers and White Dresses

Oh, the things that distract us from preparing for marriage. You know, like that itty bitty detail of planning a wedding. Honestly, choosing the gorgeous invitations, beautiful flowers, and the perfect white dress is massively time consuming! It's absolutely mind-blowing how the list goes on and on and on and on...creating a wedding website, registering, choosing bridesmaid dresses, selecting a menu...I know, I know, I'm preaching to the choir. However, with nasty statistics on divorce growing ever more prevalent (the dreaded 50%), AND the divorce risk being highest within the first two years of marriage, numbers seem to suggest we are insufficiently prepared for "until death do us part".

You have probably become a master at preparing for your wedding. But how do you prepare for marriage? Sure, most of us are cohabitating so we feel like we've given married life a test-run, but is that enough? For some maybe, for some maybe not.

How many of us enter marriage thinking we'll be contributing to the divorce statistics? We don't. Similarly, I've bought 6 giant golf umbrellas in the event it rains on my wedding day. It's probably worthwhile to have a plan for "rainy" married days too.

I'm a big advocate of pre-marital therapy. A good pre-marital counseling program will acquaint couples with six common areas of conflict that often lead to divorce. In therapy, we call these “toxic subjects” because they can become toxic for couples to discuss. These issues often include:

• Money & Finances
• Sex
• In-laws
• Child-Rearing
• (Gender) Roles & Expectations
• Religion 

Statistically, those couples weather the storms of the first year of marriage better than couples who did not participate in pre-marital counseling. In fact, research has shown that pre-marital counseling helps to decrease the incidence of divorce by as much as 30 percent. Have you considered pre-marital counseling? Which of the big 6 are your "hot buttons"?

I'm SO happy! (and you're so not...)

What to do when you're living in the land of bridal bliss while you've got a good friend going through a break up, divorce, or a slump of singledom?

I've been there. Three years ago I was going through a nasty break up while a best friend was planning her wedding. I was her Maid of Honor, and she had no bridesmaids (just a maid of honor and a best man). I was seriously down in the dumps. Happy for my friend, but truly heartbroken for myself. (It was also one of those times where it seemed like everyone around me was getting engaged, and I was just praying I'd have someone to bring as my date.)

When she'd call me to vent about her FMIL being nutty about the guest list, or the invitations getting jammed in the printer, sometimes all that went through my mind was, "If only my life were so horrible. It must just be a nightmare to have a wonderful man who wants to love and cherish you all the days of his life AND a printer that's really acting up". It was a tough time, and I definitely pushed myself to be truly selfless. Being genuinely happy for someone in spite of your own heartbreak is a challenging thing.

MOH Me, Groom Andrew, Bride Carrie (now my BM), and Best Man Tyras

But that's life. Not everyone is happy at the same time, and it's likely that you've got a friend or bridesmaid going through a tough time while you're debating wedding china patterns. So, what's a bride to do?

Here's some advice:
Be open with your friend. Ask what she needs from you. You may think you're being sensitive by avoiding talking about wedding things, but your friend may feel hurt and left out. Or, you may feel like you should act like everything is "totally normal" and your friend may feel that you're being insensitive to their feelings when you talk about wedding things as if nothing is wrong. Try: "I want to gush about every last wedding detail to you, but I'm also conscious of the fact that you're going through a tough time/break up/divorce so I don't want to seem insensitive".

When you spend time with your friend, be sure to check in with her. As a bride, it's really easy to catch a case of "wedding brain". When you do talk about wedding related things it may be a good idea to say something like, "Promise me you'll stop me when you've hit your capacity, it's so easy to ramble on and on about this stuff". Realize that she'd probably be thrilled to have your problems. When your Save the Dates are slightly "off", she may not be the first person you should call. Make sure to be a friend, and do non-wedding related things leading up to your wedding together. If you see her withdrawing or shutting down, don't be offended. Ask her about it. Acknowledge that she's struggling with mixed emotions.

Ultimately, be as open with each other as possible. All to often, tension in relationships is caused by NOT talking. Have you encountered a similar situation? How did you get through it?

Save the Dates: Official Reveal

They're official! Our Save the Dates have been sent!

After toying with mounting them on cardstock, then scraping the idea entirely, simplicity won out! Funny enough, they are what I initially didn't want: a "boring" magnet in an envelope. Fortunately, they fit perfectly snugly in the envelope, and the wrap-around label and matching stamp looks polished without going over the top.

For the design of our wrap-around labels, we were torn between the chandelier and soft lace designs. Ready to see which we chose?

We opted for the soft lace for a few reasons. One, we are using lace as a subtle element of our wedding style. My dress has lace applique, which will be replicated on our wedding cake, and also we are using lace from my Aunt's veil on our ring pillow. But ultimately, we decided to save the chandelier to use it our formal invites. (Read: we didn't want to over-use chandelier details.)

Here are the close ups:

 

I'm so glad that I had the help of our invitation designer on these! I don't think I could have come up with something quite as polished looking on my own. Did your Save the Dates vary from your original vision? How far in advance did you send them out?

Secret Fact: These actually went out in early March.

Our Life Partners

One of the things that continues to amaze me about Weddingbee is the collective phenomenal talent and diversity of interests of the bees.  How fun were photography lover Miss Hot Wings' Modeling Tips? And if I ever want to train for a marathon, Trail Mix is my girl. Amazing up-do? I'm calling Miss Nachos. Rustic perfection? Mrs. Cowboy Boot. The sewing talent of Miss Sewing and Miss Poodle is ridiculous, and Mrs. Cupcake can be my graphic designer any day. Don't even get me started on the DIY genius that abounds around the 'bee. It's uh-mazing.

So, what do I bring to the table? Well, I am a Marriage and Family Therapist after all!

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So where to start? Let's see... Well, one thing that each of us have in common is that we have selected a partner. In life, partner selection is arguably the single most important decision we make. It is not to be taken lightly, as relationships largely dictate our highest highs and our lowest lows. The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility - good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both sincerely want the relationship to succeed (been there, done that).

Laughter is one clue to compatibility. It tells you how much you will enjoy each other’s company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world.

Look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will inevitably come to resent them. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually, the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner approaches life. What are their goals? What are their ambitions? What are their expectations of you? How do they manage the unknown?

Keep in mind that differences are natural, even favorable. Of course, no two people should be excessively similar, nor should they be polar opposites. Considering these thoughts on choosing a life partner, which ones speak to you most - the bond of your laughter? Your world view? Your life goals? A little of each?

"...that's actually inappropriate"

Upon entering a serious relationship (or perhaps even after a half decent first date) it's just oh-so-tempting to play the name game. C'mon, admit it, you've totally doodled a potential married name once or twice...

At some point, I came to realize my name lends itself to a few funnier options. My first and middle name is Amanda Rose, so I could be Amanda Rose Bush, or Amanda Rose Bud, and probably a few others. And indeed, it does get better: my first boyfriend's last name was Hiscock. You read that correctly H-I-S-C-O-C-K.

No joke. My name literally could have been Amanda Rose Hiscock. Like a statement, "They were late because Amanda rose his cock". Of course, back in high school this was the most hilarious thing EVER. When I told my mother she turned red as a beet and said, "That's actually inappropriate". 

Years later, I had a serious boyfriend whose last name was Cox. I wish I was kidding, but I swear you can't make this stuff up. So, my options had changed from Amanda Rose Hiscock to Amanda Rose Cox. It's as if it had changed to past tense.

Now, if either of these relationships had worked out, I would have opted to drop the "Rose" and keep my maiden name as a middle name to salvage my dignity. However, they make for downright hilarious bar stories. Today, as a happily engaged woman, I am proud to report that Mr. Seashell has a perfectly appropriate last name. Phew!

Do you know of any funny last name mergers? Were any "actually inappropriate"? Do share! 

(A friend of mine recently became "Anne Frank")

Honored to Have my Maid of Honor

Soon after I proposed to my 'maids I received this card in the mail:

In a previous post, I've mentioned that my younger sister (and only sibling) is mentally disabled. However, I have not blogged about what it means to have her as not only a part of our wedding day but as my Maid of Honor. I'll start with an excerpt from my Personal Statement from my graduate school application:

I have no memories of being an only child.  Perhaps the lack of memory before my sister’s birth serves as the metaphorical beginning of my own life when Julia joined our family.  As an only child my mother jokes that I was self-centered and domineering.  Julia was born when I was four, and upon her arrival home I knew my life was to be forever changed.  A mentally disabled miracle, Julia has both taught me many of life’s greatest lessons, while simultaneously instilling within me a strength of self and an all-encompassing desire to interact, grow, and learn from the touching of other lives.  From early on, together with Julia, I have gained insight into human relationships specific to the qualities of compassion and love, sharing and patience, and empathy. 

 

circa 1988

 

circa 2008

To say that Julia holds a special place in my heart is beyond an understatement. She means the world to me. She simultaneously has taught me how to be young and playful but also responsible and nurturing. 

Throughout our relationship I have always been in the position to care for Julia. So, when it came time to choose my Maid of Honor, Julia wasn't my immediate choice. I thought of her in terms of her disabilities: the challenge in holding two bouquets at the altar, the fact that she can't organize a bachelorette party, or that her maid of honor speech would probably consist of her proclaiming, "Congratulations, Sissy!" and that's about it. I've never asked her to take care of me. 

My Mom, however, assumed Julia was my obvious choice for MOH. When I shared my reservations, she reminded me that nothing about our family is conventional, and that Julia's abilities often surprise us. Moreover, choosing my MOH is about a relationship not about a drunken night out with friends or holding an extra bouquet. Ultimately, the more I thought about it, I realized that I could not be more honored to have Julia serve as my Maid of Honor. I want nothing more than to recognize and celebrate our relationship. And even if her speech only consists of a huge, "Congratulations, Sissy!" I think it will give me just enough time to tear up and give her a great big hug.

Is your family less than conventional? Have you come to embrace it?

Another visit from my "Wedding Elves"

Remember when my FMIL was dripping in pearls? Let's call this Part Two.

After deciding to use Banquet In The Woods as our invitation inspirational piece, Mama Seashell and my Aunt came across chandelier decorations and promptly texted me the following photo:

Mama Seashell then called me and asked what I thought about purchasing 21 (i.e. one for each table at the reception plus our sweetheart table). At this point I'm thinking, "I have NO CLUE how we'll incorporate these exactly, but I'm all for creativity". So I told her to go for it.

Fast forward a few weeks to our first meeting with a potential florist, Sayles Livingston. Before meeting with Sayles I'd had visions of floral arrangements with these chandeliers somehow attached to a wire type thing popping out of the middle.

(I hope my art provides comic relief)

After introductions, and describing the overall aesthetic of the wedding, we showed Sayles the chandelier decorations. She promptly placed one in a vase and suggested we decorate it with flowers placed above and candles on the table below.

Duh - how perfect! (This is why I'm not a florist or in a creative field.) We hired her on the spot.

Did you have any wedding accessories that required a little creativity to utilize?

My 3-Stone Love Affair: The Outcome

Remember way back when we were going to meet with the jeweler about beginning the process of making our wedding bands? So we did. But the topic of the day became my engagement ring. And my dreams of a 3-stone ring were killed almost as soon as I walked through the door. No lie.

Let me start my saying that our jeweler is amazing. He is the most lovably hilarious gay straight man that's ever existed. He totally won me over, and if you read my last post you'd be shocked that I could be talked out of a 3-stone so quickly. Ultimately, he explained that my oval's cut is amazingly rare in it's perfection (he cut it himself and witnessed the moment "it happened like a dream"), and to put anything next to it only covers up its brilliance and hinders its shine. What can I say? It's hard to argue with the man that cut the diamond himself!

As you may have gathered (since we were talking 3-stones with the jeweler), Mr. Seashell and I did continue our conversation about the engagement ring. Ultimately, the underlying sentiment was about more than the ring itself. We had a meaningful discussion about what it all meant, literally (in terms of the ring) and emotionally, and made the decision that was right for us.

After the 3-stone was shot down, the jeweler pulled out a tray of wedding bands for Mr. Seashell to consider. While he was hard at work, I presented the jeweler with a necklace I'd inherited from my paternal grandmother. I told him I was hoping take the diamonds from it and create a simple eternity band which would be my wedding band.

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He explained that he would have to take the necklace apart to make sure the stones were viable. I told him to go for it. I awaited the results. I felt like I was having my eggs harvested.

He returned. The news was good. The stones were of excellent quality and I'd have more than enough for an eternity band.

Extra diamonds. The wheels started turning. "More than enough...like how many extra stones?" I asked. "6, maybe 8" he replied.

I looked at Mr. Seashell. He knew exactly what I was going to ask. "So what would you think about adding my grandma's extra stones to my engagement ring?" He gave me his sly Mr. Seashell smile. It was a yes. The jeweler pulled out two bands.

Personal Photo

He explained that we could keep the original "head" from my engagement ring, and most of the band. We'd literally be adding the stones to the sides. It felt like we'd achieved the definition of compromise. And a meaningful one at that. We were using stones that belonged to my grandmother, and maintained everything that Mr. Seashell loved about my stone (which he'd so thoughtfully chosen).

It means a lot that we were able to collaborate, work through our feelings, and find something that felt right to both of us. Did you reset your engagement ring? Did you know exactly what you wanted? Or did the perfect solution find you?

I'm in a Long Distance Relationship...

...with my wedding!

 

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Who knew 973 miles could feel so far? Ugh!

I was lucky enough to recently spend several uninterrupted days in Providence. I met with several of my wedding vendors, and got to make a bunch of wedding-related purchases. It made me realize how much I miss/put on hold by being in Chicago!

Now, of course, the internet makes a world of difference but there is still something to be said for meeting with people in person. Additionally, I've seriously held back on shopping because shipping is such a pain! Brides who plan destination weddings: I don't know how you do it!

These days, it's totally common for brides to live in a different city than their wedding. I'm lucky enough to have eager Rhode Island-based family and friends to help with all things wedding related. For those of you who are planning destination weddings or don't have an excess of extra hands, I did find an article on The Knot that was pretty helpful: Wedding Preparations: Long-Distance Planning.

How have you bridged the gap between where you live and your wedding? Has it been stressful?