I'm not really sure where to start. Or where this is going. Bear with me.
I've had about 4 days back in reality. Mr. Seashell's Mom passed away last Tuesday, we spent the remainder of the week making arrangements for her Memorial Service, the weekend honoring her life, and returned to work on Monday. The whirlwind of it all still hasn't set in. All I know is that I'm hopelessly exhausted.
On Monday morning my Mom and I made a wedding "to do" list. It didn't contain any surprises, but it overwhelmed me beyond belief. My Mom is a do-er, she is able to accomplish more in a day than I usually can, and she will tackle her remaining wedding tasks full-force. However, she has no crafting talent. We both have no crafting talent, but she actually outdoes me in that category. It's bad. Mr. Seashell's mom was a crafting genius. She actually was an artist. With her helping hand no longer available, I'm feeling lost.
On the DIY projects we've tackled together thus far, Mr. Seashell has teased me, "How is it that I'm teaching you how to craft?!" My answer is simple: I come from a crafting-stupid family, he was exposed to talent throughout his development. I actually made him set up and teach me how to use our cricut. I was afraid of it for a while. But I digress...
Not only has Mr. Seashell lost his mother, but he's also trying to be there for his father. And I'm trying to be there for both of them too. And I'm trying to tackle a "to do" list that's a mile long. To compound it all, I feel like a terrible, self-centered, evil bride asking anything of Mr. Seashell right now. He is feeling things that I cannot even imagine. I do not know the grief of losing a mother. But I need him right now - I need his help - I can't do the next 2 months alone. And yet, who am I to ask anything of him right now? All I should be doing is giving.
I warned you - I started this post not really knowing where my thoughts would lead - but here I am... The best way I know how to honor Mr. Seashell's mom is to put my heart and soul into this wedding. That's exacly what she did. I have only shared with you a handful of the projects she contributed to our wedding - the pew leaves, the ring pillow, and out of town boxes (which I'll share after our guests receive them). I want our wedding to be a phenomenal outpouring of joy and celebration, which sadly, our engagement has not seen. More than ever, we need something to celebrate. So why do I feel so awful even saying, "hey, about those oversized floral letters - want to get them painted tonight?" I hate that everything feels awful right now. I hate it.
I feel hopelessly stuck - and alone - and in a quintessential catch-22. I believe the wedding will bring joy, and yet the means to get there feel insensitive. I don't know how to do this. It will all get figured out with time, but now it's blah.
