One Shell Of A Wedding! : We Rehearse

So, when we last left off I was in a state of panicked anxiety and Mama Seashell mentioned "she might have something for me". Exact details aside, let's just say by the time I was rehearsing for our wedding I was slightly sedated. Praise pharmacology. 

After seeing each other for the first time since arriving to Providence, I ran to Mr. Seashell and the words fall out of my mouth: "I've been so spazzed out that I had to drug myself." I hugged him so tight it was unreal. Normal Mr. Seashell would have made some comment about how reassured he was about my mental state prior to our nuptials. However, he admits its taken him 4 drinks to feel sober. What? The beauty of nerves. So glad we're both doing so well at this point.

Our blissful reunion aside, our wedding party had gathered in the chapel. (What? There were other people there too?)

From the front of the chapel Reverend Nancy starts directing the crowd. Her advice is to first line everyone up to where they'll be standing during the ceremony. So, we did the recessional first.

Everyone takes their spots and prepares to exit.

Nancy looks happy that we've all managed to listen to some basic directions. Yay us!

Now the show really begins. Mr. Seashell takes is official "mark".

The bridal party gathers in the rear of the chapel.

Mama Seashell and FIL Seashell practice their entrance.

Here comes the (sedated) bride!

Mr. Seashell's cousins take direction on overseeing the ring passing.

We prepare for our vows.

And that's that!

Knowing the next day would be quite busy, Reverend Nancy decides we'll save time and get our marriage license signed the day before. Then she made me pinky swear we'd go through with the wedding the next day. We promised.

Sister Seashell was excited to fulfill her MOH duties.

...and then we were off to eat!

The dinner was wonderful - lots of delicious food, laughter, toasts, and celebration. 

After everyone had dinner Mr. Seashell presented his groomsmen with their gifts and we shared our slideshow with the group. We thanked our friends and family for their love and support and gave gifts to our parents as well as our godparents (who were doing readings during our ceremony) and Mr. Seashell's cousins who were ushering and facilitating our ring passing. Mr. Seashell's father made a toast and acknowledged the love and hard work FMIL Seashell had put into coordinating the rehearsal dinner before her passing. In fact, she handmade and mailed these beautiful invitations just days before she suddenly passed.

After FIL Seashell's toast he approached me with a small box. As soon as I opened it I knew exactly what it was; I'd seen it in the days after FMIL had passed away. My eyes filled with tears, and then I just let myself cry. I put my head in my hands and full out started sobbing. FIL Seashell put his hand on my back, leaned in and said, "I gave this to Justine on our wedding day. I can't imagine anyone having it but you". "I know, I know" was all I could get out. I finally pulled myself together and gave him a hug. We stood there, at the end of the restaurant, crying. I don't usually give into my emotions like that, but in that moment the reality of our loss hit hard. It is a gift I will forever treasure.

As we wrapped up our rehearsal and dinner, our guests were partying elsewhere....up next!


Previously in the Seashell Wedding:

One Shell of a Wedding! : Two Days Before
One Shell of a Wedding! : The Day Before

One Shell Of A Wedding! : The Day Before

(Alternative Post Title: I Totally Have an Anxiety Attack)

It was the day before the wedding. At this point, things are starting to get pretty unbelievable to me. Bridesmaid Ashley arrived that morning (so all my girls were there! yay!), Mr. Seashell kept texting that the hotel was filling up with our guests, and there was just this general buzz in the air that the show was on the road!

We were off for manis, pedis and a Bridesmaids Luncheon. Since we practically filled the salon (Angel Nails on Wayland Square for you locals) I let my girls go first. I ran back and fourth to Starbucks a few times to keep everyone fed and caffeinated. Frankly, I was also trying to jog off my nerves on my laps around the corner. This was it! This was the wedding weekend!

Next, I was on deck next with Mama Seashell, Auntie Brenda, and Holly (Bridesmaid Carrie's Mom). At this point, I was happy and excited but also slowly unraveling in my bridal anxiety. Part of me is jumping out of my skin with thoughts like, "Dude, this is your pedicure for YOUR WEDDING!" And then my stomach would make this massively creepy noise.

After our manis and pedis we headed just a few doors down to Red Stripe restaurant. I was initially planning on hosting this "Bridesmaids Luncheon" but just a few weeks before my lovely sister sent out invites indicating that she was the hostess! Too cute!

I took the opportunity to present my lovely ladies with their bridesmaids gifts. They liked them.

{I started chugging water thinking it would calm my nerves. I should have gone for chugging wine.}

{Sister Seashell painted me a picture! A seashell!}

So, we had a lovely lunch. But during this time things for me went south. Literally. I was in and out of the bathroom no less than 7 times. My stomach was a mess, and so was my head. I'd never had an anxiety attack before but I'm pretty sure I could say I did that day. When someone was talking to me I could engage in conversation, but then when I was listening my mind was just buzzing. It literally felt like my brain was vibrating inside my head. When I'd turn my head, it took a minute for my vision to catch up. Everything was fuzzy. I. Was. Losing. It. Heart racing, sweaty palms, the whole she-bang.

After our lunch, I hugged my posse goodbye. They were off to the hotel to relax and then get ready for the rehearsal. I had an appointment to go to the hair salon to get a blowout and have my hair "prepped" for the wedding. Mama Seashell joined me and had her hair done as well.

I got situated in the chair and pulled out all the therapist tricks I could recall. I tried to ground myself in the present: "You are sitting in a chair. Your feet are pressed firmly against a bar. Your hands are on your knees. You are calm and safe..." I took a normal breath in, and pushed a loooooong breath out (to engage my sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous systems). I talked myself through my thoughts and feelings. I meditated. I reminded myself of all the things that were set into motion and going beautifully thus far.

OMIGOD NONE OF IT EFFING WORKED.

I could not calm my mind and body down. My heart was not racing, it was fluttering. Flutter, flutter, flutter. Dizzy. In that moment I learned a valueable lesson. When you're dealing with something physiological, it might not be possible for your mind to overpower the body. I was just straight up freaking out. (Side note: the next day when I came back to the salon the staff joked with me that they thought I was on the brink of fainting. Thanks guys.)

After my not-at-all-relaxing blow out I got in the car with my Mom. With tears in my eyes I told her that I was unraveling. Worst of all, I just simply wasn't having fun - I couldn't. All my friends were here, it was the day before the wedding, everything was happening, and I wasn't even able to hold a coherent conversation. I was looking forward to the wedding more than anything and I was terrified that I was going to be a ball of nerves and not have a moment of enjoyment. Additionally, I felt so odd and lightheaded that I was starting to question my ability to make it through the night.

In a shocking, out of character move my Mom said she "might have something for me". The woman rarely takes a tylenol for a raging headache. This was serious business. Without hesitation I said, "bring it on".

Next up: The state of Miss Seashell at the rehearsal!


Previously in The Seashell Wedding:
One Shell of A Wedding! : Two Days Before

One Shell Of A Wedding! : Two Days Before

It's Time! I'm officially kicking off the Seashell Wedding Recaps! I hope you enjoy reading the story of our wedding as much as I am excited to share it with you - it truly was One Shell of a Wedding. No day in my life thus far rivals the depth, beauty, excitement, and pure joy of our wedding day.

Hang in there through a few posts while I share some of the adventures that lead us to the altar. The days before the wedding were filled with activity!

For those of you that might be new around here, or in case we haven't gotten fully acquainted, here are the basics: Mr. Seashell and I live in Chicago, IL and met at Northwestern University. Our wedding ceremony was in Providence, RI and the reception took place in Portsmouth, RI. We got married on the campus of Brown University, where my parents met and were married. Early in our engagement we reset my engagement ring (which the hive had some strong feelings about), I honed in on my vision for our wedding, told you why my maid of honor choice was so special, I tried my hand at DIY projects, worked to incorporate meaningful touches, got showered twice, shared some of my insights as a marriage and family therapist, and faced the sudden loss of Mr. Seashell's Mom just two months before our wedding, was humbled as friends and family pitched in to complete projects,  and reflected on finally moving from "yes" to "I do".

{Blink of an Eye Photography}

"It's time!' was also my sentiment when I posted this photo on facebook the night before we left for Providence to head to our wedding.

Even though it was just about five months ago now, the anticipation of packing for our wedding and honeymoon is an emotion I can perfectly pinpoint. It felt absolutely unreal.

As soon as we arrived in Providence, we had a most important order of business. We had to obtain our marriage license.

Marriage licenses in the city of Providence can be obtained 90 days in advance of a wedding. We were not in Providence together within 90 days of our nuptials. This caused me great anxiety. I probably said 14 times when we were packing, "Do you have your birth certificate? The FIRST thing we're doing is going to City Hall! OMG - do you think there will be an issue?" It was obviously fine. We were in and out in 15 minutes.

Then, we walked across the street to Providence Place Mall to MWTux to confirm that all the tuxes had arrived. Mr. Seashell tried his on right away to ensure it was the proper size (we had a massive mix-up when Mr. Seashell was a Best Man months before so we were having a little PTSD). Mr. Seashell's Dad tried his on too.  All was well! The men were looking great!

Next we got Mr. Seashell situated in his hotel room and I went to my parents house. This was pretty much the last time I would see him until our rehearsal the next evening. He took the next few hours to assemble the out of town boxes (a project he was completing that his Mom had started), and greet guests as the arrived at the hotel. Meanwhile, I got settled and retrieved two of my bridesmaids from the airport.

That evening, my Dad organized for "the men" to head down to Foxwoods Resort and Casino in Connecticut for a boys night. He rented a shuttle and they went out in style. The group included Mr. Seashell, his groomsmen, Mr. Seashell's Dad, a few of my uncles, family friends, and the boyfriends/fiancees/husbands of friends from Chicago. It was a bit of a bachelor party redux. I wish I had photos, but alas, I was busy - WORKING. I tease, I actually suggested the whole outing because I knew the girls would be busy.

The only project I'd left until the "last minute" was the favor assembly: alphabetizing, numbering and attaching leaves to the olive oil bottles. I did not want to finalize the seating assignments until the last possible opportunity, leaving room for late cancellations or additions. Additionally, we created our leaves in Chicago and the equipment necessary to reprint was not travel-friendly. So, names were printed on the leaves but not table numbers. I made a few blank leaves, too - just in case. In the end, my preparation was unnecessary: 100% of our guests who replied "yes" were in attendance on our wedding day!

Here we are in action:

All leaves were lined up in alphabetical order. I arranged the leaves and then read off the tables to Bridesmaid Leah. She was the official "writer" due to her ability to make her lettering look like a typeface.

Bridesmaid Carrie was the official hole-puncher, while Bridesmaid Allie was a ribbon-threader and bow-tier. 

After a while we developed a highly efficient system. Even still, we were at work for hours. 

Allie's secretly thinking, "I'm so getting you back for this when you're my MOH next year, Seashell". 

Despite our looks of very serious concentration, we actually shared a lot of laughs and made a fun night of our favor assembly. Delirium also set in at some point, but that keeps life interesting, right? Seriously though - I have some pretty amazing friends. I treated them properly the next morning with manis, pedis, and luncheon. That's up next!

The Heart of The Matter

I was never a rebellious kid.  I never had that angsty teen phase where I hated everything and everyone, nor have I ever gotten myself into trouble. I'm not, and never was, the type to fight with my parents or cause a disagreement. In fact, I'm the happiest when everyone else is happy. Though, admittedly, sometimes this means backing down from asserting myself. Mr. Seashell is very similar to me in this way, except he is far better at defending his beliefs. That's the preface.

When it came time to seriously consider our wedding ceremony, Mr. Seashell and I were on the exact same page: we did not want a Catholic Mass. However, we were both raised Catholic.

We felt equally passionate about the fact that a Catholic Wedding did not reflect our beliefs and values. We talked about our vision for our wedding, the pieces that would be meaningful to us, reflect our world view as a couple, and ultimately feel right in our hearts. To us, a Catholic Wedding was a lie. The idea of standing before a priest, professing that we were Catholics and intended to raise future children as such, felt dishonest. These were not our intentions. On the day where I was to make solemn vows to my life's partner I couldn't rationalize doing something that felt so insincere.

The time came to tell our parents our wishes. Mr. Seashell's parents accepted the news well - they had strayed from the church and were comfortable with the idea of doing what felt right to us. They admitted that it might raise an eyebrow or two among family, but that wasn't reason enough to discourage our plans. My family was a different story. Mama Seashell is a devout Catholic, and words like "heartbroken, devastated, ego-centric, and selfish" became part of the dialogue. Our back and fourth went on for months. During this time, I met with a priest in the spirit of staying open-minded. I just couldn't do it. The Pre-Cana, the family planning...more importantly, the core beliefs were not my own. When I sought advice from family and friends I was surprised by how many people had a "just suck it up, that's what we did" mentality. Then, Mrs. Meatball wrote this post, and I swore it was written for me. Finally, Mr. Seashell and I really sat down with my parents. It wasn't pretty, but after some yelling and tears we were able to reach an understanding. It was clear that our choice was a disappointment, but the conversation eventually shifted to what our wedding ceremony was not to what it was.

{Photos: Blink of an Eye Photography}

We found someone wonderful to marry us. She listened, collaborated, validated our thoughts, and worked hard to create the ceremony we were seeking. She cried with us when Mr. Seashell's Mom passed away just two months before our wedding, and was thoughtful in how to include her memory. She skyped with us when we were 1,000 miles apart and needed to fine-tune the details. And, there's a teeny, tiny rebellious part of me that loves the fact that we were married by a woman (and a lesbian at that). Sorry, Catholics.

I'll share all the details of our ceremony soon. The carefully chosen words, the structure, the homily and the resounding sentiment in general were precisely what we desired. Getting there was a headache and caused heartache, but so worth it.

What have you found worth fighting for?

An Open Letter to "Girls In Waiting"

I wasn't a crazy person two years ago. I was a sane and rational mid-twentysomething with a boyfriend I loved, wrapping up grad school, job searching, setting up a new apartment, and in my spare time booking a wedding venue, photographer, trying on dresses, and oops - buying a wedding dress - WITHOUT A RING ON MY FINGER.

Shit. I was straight-up crazy pants. I was that girl. How did this all happen?

Now that I'm on the other side of all this I want to get real with you. Some of my actions were cute and "i'msoexcitediwanttomarryyou!" and some where relationship suicide. This is not advice. This is just my story.

Of course, when this was all going on, I swore I had my reasons. First, Mr. Seashell and I had talked very openly about our future. Many conversations included phrases like, "when we're married" or "at our wedding" or "our kids will never...". We knew we wanted to marry each other and we even had a pretty clear time frame of when said marriage would occur. Mr. Seashell would tease me that he was pretty sure I had a wedding date jotted down somewhere, and when I admitted he was right, he asked and agreed it actually sounded perfect. September 25, 2010. We had a plan.

Then, Mr. Seashell's Mom got sick. As family and friends gathered around and faced the possibility of losing her, Mr. Seashell and I had some very real conversations about throwing our time table out the window. Mr. Seashell was adamant about keeping things as we had intended - he wanted to give his Mom something to fight for. So we did.

Mama Seashell was privy to these conversations, and moved forward with the plan of a September 25, 2010 wedding as well. As far as she was concerned, we were engaged. We had discussed our intentions to be married, and having never had an engagement ring herself, she knew a piece of jewelry didn't determine your "relationship status".

Here's the thing though: in my heart I knew we weren't "engaged". Mr. Seashell had every intention of buying me a diamond ring and planning a romantic proposal. As wedding talk moved forward he expressed reluctance ("but I haven't proposed yet!"), and I was too excited to stop the wedding train that had left the station. When my Mom told me she had planned an afternoon jaunt to look at wedding venues, I didn't say no. I genuinely wanted to look at options, and I knew that things booked up far in advance. What's the harm in putting down a deposit? We have a date. But Mr. Seashell didn't know what I was doing that day. I didn't call or text to say that we were looking at - or, oops - reserving a wedding venue. Then we swung by a bridal shop and tried on a few dresses too. I bought one.

Two days later when I told Mr. Seashell about the day with my Mom, he lost it. He felt like all the excitement was gone and now he was holding up the show by not having yet proposed. He said he was embarrassed. Pressured. He also said I'd taken a huge piece of the wedding planning away from him - away from us as a couple - and I understood what he meant. I was hiding the plans of a wedding from my partner, and I was not liking the way it felt. Then I got a sinking feeling: what if I'm the girl who plans an entire wedding - without being engaged - and then gets her heart broken? THAT would be embarrassing. But I kept moving forward. I went on to book our photographer and started doing research online like it was my job. We had a date, right?

In the end, Mr. Seashell proposed about 10 weeks after the venue booking fiasco. Everything wasn't perfect, though. He still made it very clear how hurt and frustrated he was by my actions. It came up A LOT during the next year. I had broached his trust, and taken something away from our wedding planning process. Some of the magic, excitement, anticipation - whatever it was - had been lost.

Looking back, I wish I would have seen the bigger picture. I couldn't, though. I was too immersed, too focused on the end result. Sure, it all worked out, we had a beautiful wedding, and the memory of our pre-engagement has faded quite a bit. But for a while our relationship was worse for the wear and I had myself to blame. Can you relate?

Guess What I Got For Christmas?

In the wee hours on Christmas morning, a not-your-everyday sort of e-mail hit my inbox. But the e-mail sat there, undiscovered for hours and hours. Poor thing.

When I finally checked my phone at some point on Christmas afternoon, I walked into the living room where my family was gathered and announced, "WE HAVE THE WEDDING PHOTOS!"

It was like Christmas came all over again. We rounded up the crew, found a VGA cable, wired a laptop to the TV, brewed some coffee and browsed thousands of photos for over two hours. It was awesome. We dubbed Mr. Seashell's uncle the "Where's Waldo" of our wedding, popping up in a ridiculous number of photos. We laughed so hard we cried at certain series of shots. We reminised. We recalled pieces of the day we'd forgotten. We poured over the photos for so long we had to take bathroom breaks.

You want to see too? Ok, fine. But I'm not blowing the top on my recaps. Those are coming soon!

 Photos by Blink of an Eye Photography

What did you get for Christmas?

Letting Go

As Mr. Seashell and I settle into married life, I've started to realize there's something I need to get better at: letting go. I'm learning to let go of me and embrace we.

My independence is of paramount importance. That's partially a tribute to how I was raised, and partially speaks to how I operate in the world. If I decided I want to do something, up until recently, I was just going to go ahead and do it. The idea of asking someone for their feedback didn't feel romantic, it felt childish. I struggled greatly with moving from me to we.

Mr. Seashell, on the other hand, embraced the we from the start. Being part of a team clicked for him immediately. "Checking in" over the purchase of a sweater didn't feel disempowering, it was for the greater good of our future, finances, and he actually liked my input. (That's probably a silly example, but a perfect one - the idea of asking someone if I could buy a sweater makes me batty as a grown, working woman. I have to ask you if I can buy a sweater?! This is a conversation?)

There have been many instances where I have had to challenge myself to "let go" of my previous mode of operating, and accept that I am now part of something greater than myself.

Has becoming a we been a process for you too?